1
00:00:03,535 --> 00:00:07,005
[♪]
2
00:00:15,681 --> 00:00:18,049
♪ love and marriage ♪
3
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:20,518
♪ love and marriage ♪
4
00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:22,320
♪ go together like ♪
5
00:00:22,321 --> 00:00:24,789
♪ a horse and carriage ♪
6
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:28,793
♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
7
00:00:28,794 --> 00:00:30,729
♪ you can't have one ♪
8
00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,632
♪ without the other ♪
9
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,934
♪ love and marriage ♪
10
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,536
♪ love and marriage ♪
11
00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:39,938
♪ it's an institute ♪
12
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♪ you can't disparage ♪
13
00:00:42,341 --> 00:00:46,111
♪ ask the local gentry ♪
14
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:50,649
♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
15
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:55,453
♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
16
00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:59,157
♪ it's an illusion ♪
17
00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:04,295
♪ try, try, try
and you will only come ♪
18
00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:07,732
♪ to this conclusion ♪
19
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:09,834
♪ love and marriage ♪
20
00:01:15,641 --> 00:01:19,310
♪ da da da dum, da da ♪
21
00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:20,745
♪ da da da ♪
22
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,647
♪ mm... ♪
23
00:01:22,648 --> 00:01:25,383
Peg, you were great
last night.
24
00:01:25,384 --> 00:01:28,319
You did what every man dreams
his wife will do.
25
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,821
You were asleep
before I got home
26
00:01:29,822 --> 00:01:32,791
And you were out of bed
before I woke up.
27
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:34,693
How can I ever
thank you?
28
00:01:34,694 --> 00:01:37,228
You could stop eating beans
before bed.
29
00:01:39,665 --> 00:01:41,465
Hey, what's all this?
30
00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:42,767
I get breakfast too?
31
00:01:42,768 --> 00:01:44,169
Oh, peg!
32
00:01:45,971 --> 00:01:47,538
Bring it on.
33
00:01:50,576 --> 00:01:52,577
Ooh, spices too?
34
00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:53,578
Do the kids
know about this?
35
00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:54,713
No.
36
00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:55,714
Good. Bring it on.
37
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:57,782
Uh, al, honey...
Yes, sweetheart?
38
00:01:57,783 --> 00:02:01,019
Before I serve you,
I have some great news.
39
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,321
Oprah winfrey finally exploded?
40
00:02:05,124 --> 00:02:07,926
[laughs]
41
00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:11,295
Oh, no, al,
but that's so funny.
42
00:02:11,296 --> 00:02:13,598
You're just
the greatest.
43
00:02:13,599 --> 00:02:16,101
Who's coming
to stay with us, peg?
44
00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,302
Uh... Just my mother.
45
00:02:18,303 --> 00:02:20,105
No!
46
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:22,373
And my uncles
irwin and otto.
47
00:02:22,374 --> 00:02:23,742
No, no!
48
00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:24,876
And the wanker triplets.
49
00:02:24,877 --> 00:02:26,444
No, no, no!
50
00:02:26,445 --> 00:02:27,912
Oh, but al,
they're my aunts.
51
00:02:27,913 --> 00:02:29,180
They're no trouble.
52
00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:30,782
Peg, god only knows
how old they are
53
00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:34,152
And they sleep in the same bed.
54
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,586
It's amazing,
55
00:02:35,587 --> 00:02:38,522
The triplets sleep in one bed
and your mother sleeps in three.
56
00:02:38,523 --> 00:02:41,126
Well, honey, they'll only stay
57
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:43,094
For an undetermined
period of time.
58
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,463
Peg, now,
this is the first
59
00:02:45,464 --> 00:02:47,065
Three-day weekend
I've had in a year.
60
00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:49,067
It's not like I'm going
to have a good time.
61
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,402
You and the kids
are going to be there.
62
00:02:51,403 --> 00:02:53,004
Not the wanker wagon
from milwaukee.
63
00:02:53,005 --> 00:02:55,874
Peg, please, not that.
64
00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,675
Hondo is going to be on
this weekend.
65
00:02:57,676 --> 00:02:59,477
Now, that's some
of the duke's best work.
66
00:02:59,478 --> 00:03:02,080
It's never on tv.
I got a blank tape already.
67
00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,614
I want to watch hondo, peg.
68
00:03:03,615 --> 00:03:05,183
I want a clean tape of hondo.
69
00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:08,153
No one is going to interrupt you
watching hondo.
70
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,922
Remember when they were here
last year?
71
00:03:10,923 --> 00:03:12,090
Shane was on.
72
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:13,091
Just before it came on,
73
00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,325
Uncle otto bet uncle irwin
74
00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:16,828
He couldn't stick his head
through the tv.
75
00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:19,397
I didn't see shane that year,
peg.
76
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,099
Well, I know, al,
77
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:24,803
But you saw the end
from the emergency room.
78
00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:26,704
"come back, shane, shane.
Goodbye, shane."
79
00:03:26,705 --> 00:03:28,039
That's all I saw, peg.
80
00:03:30,509 --> 00:03:31,776
I didn't even see the credits
81
00:03:31,777 --> 00:03:34,679
Because your mother lumbered
in front of the set.
82
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,514
By the time her entire body
chugged by,
83
00:03:36,515 --> 00:03:39,383
It was morning.
84
00:03:39,384 --> 00:03:41,585
You know,
you should be nice to them, al.
85
00:03:41,586 --> 00:03:42,586
After all,
86
00:03:42,587 --> 00:03:44,122
They're the only people
in the world
87
00:03:44,123 --> 00:03:46,858
Who think what you do
is skilled labor.
88
00:03:48,393 --> 00:03:52,563
Oh, what do you say, al?
Can my family come for a visit?
89
00:03:52,564 --> 00:03:53,531
Because they're on their way.
90
00:03:56,302 --> 00:04:00,004
Since you went
to all this trouble, why not?
91
00:04:00,005 --> 00:04:01,072
All right, where's breakfast?
92
00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:03,774
Gee, I don't know.
I didn't cook anything.
93
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:06,744
[car arrives,
metal clanging]
94
00:04:06,745 --> 00:04:11,082
Well, that's the sound
of the axle hitting the road.
95
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,750
It means one of two things.
96
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:15,320
Either everybody in china
just jumped off a chair,
97
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,921
Or your family's here.
98
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,625
They brought the horse trailer.
Your mom in there, peg?
99
00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:26,865
It's the only way
that she can travel, al.
100
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:31,903
Otto!
101
00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:33,104
Peggy!
102
00:04:35,107 --> 00:04:37,641
Your home still looks
like a filth hole.
103
00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:42,113
Irwin!
104
00:04:42,114 --> 00:04:43,281
Peg.
105
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:44,782
You've got a beautiful home.
106
00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:46,384
Peggy: Aw!
107
00:04:46,385 --> 00:04:51,222
And milly, elena, eadie!
108
00:04:51,223 --> 00:04:54,158
Aunts: Hi, peggy.
We're triplets, you know.
109
00:04:54,159 --> 00:04:55,994
You look fabulous.
110
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,495
Oh!
111
00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:58,629
Where's mom?
112
00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,831
Oh, we're going
to have to leave her in the sun
113
00:05:00,832 --> 00:05:02,633
Until she heats up
and gets slippery.
114
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:05,303
That way, we won't have
to damage the truck
115
00:05:05,304 --> 00:05:08,172
Getting her out.
116
00:05:08,173 --> 00:05:12,643
Somebody left
the wd-40 at home.
117
00:05:12,644 --> 00:05:15,914
Somebody didn't put it
on the list.
118
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,115
How am I doing?
119
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:20,218
Oh, I'm pretty good.
Thank you for asking.
120
00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:21,386
Now, listen,
121
00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:24,488
Before the festival
of the inbreds starts,
122
00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:27,825
I want everybody to know
that hondo will be coming on.
123
00:05:27,826 --> 00:05:29,227
During hondo,
124
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,095
There will be no belly butting,
125
00:05:31,096 --> 00:05:32,596
No spitting for distance,
126
00:05:32,597 --> 00:05:33,597
And no one running around
127
00:05:33,598 --> 00:05:35,466
With underwear
on their heads.
128
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:40,704
We could've gone
to a hotel.
129
00:05:40,705 --> 00:05:43,341
Hey, look who's here!
Hey!
130
00:05:43,342 --> 00:05:45,576
Uncle irwin!
131
00:05:45,577 --> 00:05:46,978
Otto.
132
00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:50,514
Uncle otto.
133
00:05:50,515 --> 00:05:51,983
Oh!
134
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:53,751
You look great.
135
00:05:53,752 --> 00:05:58,189
And you, my darling...
I could sell you.
136
00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:01,492
Let me tell you
what the going rate is.
137
00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:05,263
As you can see, bud
hasn't changed a bit.
138
00:06:05,264 --> 00:06:08,866
Same wit, same zit,
same underwear.
139
00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:11,002
Well, now that
we're all together,
140
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:12,736
How about
a hootenanny?
141
00:06:12,737 --> 00:06:14,572
No. God, no, no!
142
00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:16,941
Wait, wait, wait!
No hootenanny.
143
00:06:16,942 --> 00:06:18,809
See, I forgot to put that
on the list.
144
00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,644
♪ you are my sunshine ♪
too late, al.
145
00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:22,580
♪ my only sunshine ♪
146
00:06:22,581 --> 00:06:24,182
♪ you make me happy ♪
147
00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:26,584
♪ when skies are gray ♪
♪ when skies are gray ♪
148
00:06:26,585 --> 00:06:29,520
♪ you'll never know, dear
how much I love you ♪
149
00:06:29,521 --> 00:06:30,955
Just the boys!
150
00:06:30,956 --> 00:06:32,556
♪ please don't take
my sunshine away ♪
151
00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:33,924
Just the girls!
152
00:06:33,925 --> 00:06:38,196
♪ you'll never know, dear
how much I love you ♪
153
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:39,230
♪ please don't take-- ♪
154
00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:40,164
Just al!
155
00:06:44,503 --> 00:06:46,871
♪ my sunshine away ♪
156
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:49,540
Yay!
157
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:56,814
Just like
the old days.
158
00:06:56,815 --> 00:06:59,484
Before music.
159
00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:00,684
Uncle irwin,
160
00:07:00,685 --> 00:07:02,887
Are you going to put
your head through the tv again?
161
00:07:02,888 --> 00:07:04,288
If you're good.
162
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:07,725
Can I relax now?
163
00:07:07,726 --> 00:07:09,827
♪ she's a good-hearted woman ♪
164
00:07:09,828 --> 00:07:14,965
♪ in love with
a two-timin' man ♪
165
00:07:14,966 --> 00:07:17,301
♪ she loves him
in spite of his ways ♪
166
00:07:17,302 --> 00:07:21,472
♪ she don't understand ♪
167
00:07:21,473 --> 00:07:23,307
♪ through teardrops
and laughter ♪
168
00:07:23,308 --> 00:07:28,246
♪ they'll dance through
this world hand in hand ♪
169
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:29,980
♪ she's a good-hearted woman-- ♪
170
00:07:29,981 --> 00:07:30,981
Stop. Stop.
171
00:07:30,982 --> 00:07:32,450
Please stop.
172
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:40,058
I'm not a wanker,
and you're killing me.
173
00:07:41,826 --> 00:07:43,428
Peggy, we're famished.
174
00:07:52,837 --> 00:07:56,107
Al, how about
taking us out to eat?
175
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:57,508
Ah, what the hell.
176
00:07:57,509 --> 00:07:59,710
Kids, you didn't really
want to go to college, did you?
177
00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:01,879
We'd rather eat.
178
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,582
Well, if we're going to go,
we'd better get going,
179
00:08:04,583 --> 00:08:05,983
Because once we unload
your mom,
180
00:08:05,984 --> 00:08:08,586
It's harder than hell
to squeeze her back in.
181
00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:10,054
She kicks like a mule.
182
00:08:10,055 --> 00:08:12,223
Uncle irwin, are you going
to put your head
183
00:08:12,224 --> 00:08:13,324
In the salad bar again?
184
00:08:13,325 --> 00:08:15,393
If you're good.
185
00:08:19,231 --> 00:08:22,433
You know, you're not good enough
for our family.
186
00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:27,037
Yeah, right. I've never been up
on a morals charge.
187
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:31,175
999...
188
00:08:31,176 --> 00:08:32,510
1000!
189
00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:33,611
He did it!
190
00:08:33,612 --> 00:08:35,012
[cheering]
191
00:08:35,013 --> 00:08:37,348
Oh, nice example
for the children, irwin.
192
00:08:37,349 --> 00:08:40,518
Why don't you show them
how to de-bone a cow
193
00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:42,220
While you're at it?
194
00:08:42,221 --> 00:08:45,756
You've always been jealous
of me.
195
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:49,093
Oh, yes, I've always secretly
wanted to be a...
196
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:50,828
Beast of burden.
197
00:08:52,197 --> 00:08:55,266
Oh, now, now.
Let's not spoil our good time.
198
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,401
Now, make up, you two.
199
00:08:57,402 --> 00:08:58,402
Blowfish!
200
00:08:58,403 --> 00:08:59,937
Squid!
201
00:08:59,938 --> 00:09:01,305
Well, that's better.
202
00:09:03,675 --> 00:09:06,076
Hey, mom, are we going to go
down to the pony rides
203
00:09:06,077 --> 00:09:07,678
To see the look
on the horse's face
204
00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:09,913
When uncle irwin
chooses his mount?
205
00:09:09,914 --> 00:09:12,416
No, not today, honey.
206
00:09:12,417 --> 00:09:14,885
Ever since daddy paid for lunch
with his watch,
207
00:09:14,886 --> 00:09:17,855
He's been sort of a crab apple.
208
00:09:17,856 --> 00:09:19,857
I think
he's mad at us.
209
00:09:19,858 --> 00:09:21,359
Oh, well, don't
take it personally.
210
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,060
Daddy always
takes a noose with him
211
00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:23,994
Into the bathroom.
212
00:09:25,397 --> 00:09:28,466
Uh-oh. Daddy's
in the bathroom?
213
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,735
Mom's up there
taking a bath.
214
00:09:31,736 --> 00:09:34,272
Well, maybe
he won't notice.
215
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,641
Al: Aah!
216
00:09:38,777 --> 00:09:41,579
Peg, I'm blind!
217
00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:45,749
Very funny, al.
218
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,151
No, really, peg.
219
00:09:47,152 --> 00:09:49,287
I saw your mother naked, and...
220
00:09:50,922 --> 00:09:52,423
And everything went black.
221
00:09:52,424 --> 00:09:55,125
I think my eyes were trying
to protect my heart.
222
00:09:56,928 --> 00:10:00,097
Now I'm not going
to see hondo, peg.
223
00:10:00,098 --> 00:10:01,932
Stop being a baby.
224
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:03,367
It's only hysterical
blindness.
225
00:10:03,368 --> 00:10:05,369
It happened
to her doctor.
226
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,438
It wears off
eventually.
227
00:10:07,439 --> 00:10:08,606
Wait a second.
228
00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:10,408
I think it's starting
to come back to me.
229
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:14,978
I see shapes.
I see... Straw.
230
00:10:14,979 --> 00:10:16,980
Oh, kelly.
231
00:10:19,284 --> 00:10:21,185
Al, we have to talk.
232
00:10:21,186 --> 00:10:22,587
Well, I'm broke
and I'm blind, peg.
233
00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:24,922
What else is there
to talk about?
234
00:10:24,923 --> 00:10:27,558
Well, you haven't been very nice
to my family.
235
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:29,126
Well, neither is nature.
Go bother it.
236
00:10:33,832 --> 00:10:36,400
Now, al, you know
I don't ask much of you
237
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:39,403
Because I know
how severely limited you are,
238
00:10:39,404 --> 00:10:42,973
But please do me a favor
and just say something to them.
239
00:10:42,974 --> 00:10:45,909
Yeah. Go home.
240
00:10:45,910 --> 00:10:48,246
Does that take care of it, peg?
241
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,847
That's a nice start.
242
00:10:49,848 --> 00:10:51,549
Just show them that you care.
243
00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:54,918
Go home
and drive safely.
244
00:10:57,289 --> 00:11:00,924
Ask them how they're doing.
For me, sweetums.
245
00:11:00,925 --> 00:11:02,360
That's all
I have to do, peg?
246
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:03,761
That's it.
247
00:11:03,762 --> 00:11:05,396
Otto, irwin,
how you doing?
248
00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:08,666
We're desolate.
249
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,100
We'll need the triplets.
250
00:11:10,101 --> 00:11:11,101
I'll get them.
251
00:11:11,102 --> 00:11:12,703
I told them to sleep
in kelly's room.
252
00:11:12,704 --> 00:11:14,972
Her bed is used to having
a lot of people on it.
253
00:11:16,608 --> 00:11:17,941
Well, I guess that means
254
00:11:17,942 --> 00:11:19,744
Irwin and otto get to sleep
on your bed,
255
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:22,380
With the rotting rubber sheets.
256
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:25,949
Al, I want to let you in
on a little family secret.
257
00:11:25,950 --> 00:11:27,385
You're the fourth
triplet?
258
00:11:29,053 --> 00:11:32,256
Well, I know everybody thinks
that the family income
259
00:11:32,257 --> 00:11:34,759
Is derived primarily
from the still.
260
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,894
And the home
yogurt business.
261
00:11:36,895 --> 00:11:39,997
Quiet, mr. Pork-at-the-bottom.
262
00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:41,699
It'll catch on.
263
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,167
Oh, please.
264
00:11:43,168 --> 00:11:46,236
Anyhow, the triplets
add greatly to our income.
265
00:11:46,237 --> 00:11:49,139
Otto, excuse me.
266
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:51,475
Kelly, go upstairs.
267
00:11:53,011 --> 00:11:54,478
They sing!
268
00:11:54,479 --> 00:11:56,480
They sing at carnivals,
beer fests.
269
00:11:56,481 --> 00:11:58,449
Last month,
they worked regular
270
00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:00,418
And cleared a neat 88.50.
271
00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,453
Don't tell the irs.
272
00:12:02,454 --> 00:12:04,188
Now something's happened
that's threatened the act.
273
00:12:06,257 --> 00:12:08,258
They faced
the audience?
274
00:12:11,029 --> 00:12:14,898
Elena, tell him
what you want to do.
275
00:12:14,899 --> 00:12:16,434
I want to marry.
276
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,670
Somebody outside the family,
right?
277
00:12:19,671 --> 00:12:22,573
Well, in wanker county,
278
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:26,043
Nobody's really
outside the family.
279
00:12:26,044 --> 00:12:28,245
Um...
280
00:12:28,246 --> 00:12:33,050
Well, how about that boy john
who works at the feed store?
281
00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:35,052
Yeah.
282
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:37,221
I guess he's family.
283
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:45,429
Will someone listen to me,
please?
284
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,431
Peg, if elena gets married,
285
00:12:47,432 --> 00:12:49,233
The triplets
will be torn asunder.
286
00:12:49,234 --> 00:12:51,469
And worse,
if she goes on a honeymoon,
287
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,037
We'll lose 17 gigs.
288
00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:55,873
That's $34 and change.
289
00:12:55,874 --> 00:12:57,007
Interest will wane.
290
00:12:57,008 --> 00:12:58,876
Oh, my god,
the public will forget.
291
00:12:58,877 --> 00:12:59,977
It happens!
292
00:12:59,978 --> 00:13:01,078
Look at glen campbell.
293
00:13:02,881 --> 00:13:04,948
Oh, al, don't let
that happen.
294
00:13:04,949 --> 00:13:06,617
Oh, gee,
it's a little late, peg.
295
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:08,819
Glen's career
is what it is.
296
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:13,424
Al, you're a professional
man, a shoe salesman.
297
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:14,925
[laughs]
298
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:17,094
If anybody
can solve this, you can.
299
00:13:17,095 --> 00:13:18,629
Solve what?
300
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,464
Should she marry or not?
301
00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,099
Peg, I'm not touching this,
302
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:25,235
And I mean that
in every sense of the word.
303
00:13:25,236 --> 00:13:26,303
Every time I get involved
304
00:13:26,304 --> 00:13:27,738
In one
of your family's problems,
305
00:13:27,739 --> 00:13:29,740
I always
end up missing a good movie
306
00:13:29,741 --> 00:13:31,442
And get called an idiot.
307
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,612
Well, not this time, al.
They need you.
308
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:36,079
Look at their faces.
309
00:13:38,116 --> 00:13:40,951
All right, I'll help,
but I'm not looking at them.
310
00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:43,654
Elena, did you
actually find
311
00:13:43,655 --> 00:13:44,655
Someone willing
to marry you?
312
00:13:44,656 --> 00:13:45,756
Aunts: Yes!
313
00:13:45,757 --> 00:13:47,291
Then you have
my blessing
314
00:13:47,292 --> 00:13:48,626
And he has my pity.
315
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:49,560
Do it.
316
00:13:53,364 --> 00:13:54,998
God, you're an idiot.
317
00:13:59,671 --> 00:14:01,839
You had to say something,
didn't you, al?
318
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,541
You couldn't just say,
"I don't know,"
319
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:04,942
Like you do when
I ask you
320
00:14:04,943 --> 00:14:07,010
When you're going
to be done in the bathroom.
321
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:09,279
Why did we come to you?
322
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:13,016
They could be up there
crying their six eyes out.
323
00:14:13,017 --> 00:14:15,252
Oh, great. On my bed.
324
00:14:15,253 --> 00:14:16,587
Thank you so much,
daddy.
325
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:18,088
That's it.
I'm out of here.
326
00:14:19,724 --> 00:14:22,225
Al, you can't leave
during a family crisis.
327
00:14:22,226 --> 00:14:24,462
It's not a family.
It's a lab experiment.
328
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:29,967
Where are you going?
329
00:14:29,968 --> 00:14:32,402
[door closes]
330
00:14:32,403 --> 00:14:34,872
I love these
perfect times together.
331
00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:36,474
The wine is chilled,
the candles are lit,
332
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:37,675
Ad we are a kiss away
333
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:41,579
From magnificent
earth-shattering sex.
334
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,948
[doorbell rings]
335
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,148
Ignore it.
336
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:47,985
Whoever it is
will go away.
337
00:14:47,986 --> 00:14:49,453
[ring]
338
00:14:49,454 --> 00:14:51,154
Al: Okay, you guys,
open up.
339
00:14:51,155 --> 00:14:52,823
I know
you're in there.
340
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:57,127
This is a test
of wills.
341
00:14:57,128 --> 00:15:00,564
I am not answering the door
to that man.
342
00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:03,701
[ring, ring, ring,
ring, ring]
343
00:15:12,944 --> 00:15:16,446
Oh, man, what a day.
344
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:18,482
Get me a beer,
will you, marce?
345
00:15:21,686 --> 00:15:25,455
Al, we're trying to have
a little romantic thing here.
346
00:15:25,456 --> 00:15:27,424
Well, go ahead,
don't worry about me.
347
00:15:27,425 --> 00:15:30,193
Marcy, you got
any tuna fish in there?
348
00:15:30,194 --> 00:15:31,795
Al, I was about
to take her upstairs
349
00:15:31,796 --> 00:15:33,063
And you interrupted.
350
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:34,632
Then you owe me one.
351
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,103
You got any pretzels?
352
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:41,138
[sigh]
353
00:15:42,674 --> 00:15:47,210
You might have been wondering
why my house is tilting.
354
00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:50,548
Peg's relatives are in town,
six of them.
355
00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:52,683
Well, 12, counting her mother.
356
00:15:54,485 --> 00:15:56,820
We're out of pretzels, al.
How about some lye?
357
00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:58,756
No, thanks.
358
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:00,758
Nah, I was just getting ready
for a great weekend.
359
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:02,259
Did you ever just want
to be alone?
360
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,163
You know where I'm coming from.
361
00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:07,397
See, all I want to do
362
00:16:07,398 --> 00:16:09,399
Is sit down,
watch hondo in peace.
363
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,801
Did you ever try
to watch something
364
00:16:10,802 --> 00:16:12,369
And have a bunch of in-laws
drive you crazy?
365
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:14,504
No, al. That's
where I'm lucky.
366
00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:18,241
Marcy's family
is just a blessing.
367
00:16:18,242 --> 00:16:19,577
Of course,
368
00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:22,580
Her mother does leave little
wadded-up bits of kleenex around
369
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,114
Wherever she goes...
370
00:16:24,115 --> 00:16:26,483
Because of that
one runny eye she has,
371
00:16:26,484 --> 00:16:29,053
But that's not her fault.
372
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,254
What is her fault
is she's too cheap to go
373
00:16:31,255 --> 00:16:33,991
To a doctor
and get it fixed.
374
00:16:33,992 --> 00:16:35,358
No, she comes over here
375
00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:37,461
And complains incessantly
about it...
376
00:16:37,462 --> 00:16:39,029
While we try to eat.
377
00:16:39,030 --> 00:16:41,765
As if looking at it
doesn't tell the whole story.
378
00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:43,601
That's enough, dear.
379
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,402
You know, she'll only eat eggs.
380
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:47,004
We could have
a turkey dinner set out,
381
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,205
And you know what she does?
382
00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:49,807
She looks at it
with her runny eye
383
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,709
And says, "what? No eggs?"
384
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:53,711
Everybody hates her.
385
00:16:56,047 --> 00:16:57,347
Honey...
386
00:16:57,348 --> 00:16:59,617
God, she makes
my skin crawl.
387
00:17:02,687 --> 00:17:03,988
Al, do you know
the difference
388
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:06,356
Between steve's mother
and a bowling ball?
389
00:17:06,357 --> 00:17:07,691
What?
390
00:17:07,692 --> 00:17:10,427
A bowling ball
doesn't have a beard.
391
00:17:13,131 --> 00:17:14,798
It's one hair.
392
00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:16,934
One hair
does not make a beard.
393
00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:18,502
It does
if it's six inches long
394
00:17:18,503 --> 00:17:20,104
And v-shaped.
395
00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:26,043
Well, at least her eye
doesn't run like a toilet.
396
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:27,511
[doorbell rings]
397
00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:29,546
Oh, relax, guys.
I'll get that.
398
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:35,719
Well, let's just talk
about your uncle mildred.
399
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,822
Can't a man be a florist
and still have some respect?
400
00:17:41,459 --> 00:17:44,227
Al, you got to do something.
The triplets ran away.
401
00:17:44,228 --> 00:17:46,463
Why would all three
of them run away?
402
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:48,365
Well, actually,
only elena ran away,
403
00:17:48,366 --> 00:17:50,701
But the other two went
to keep her company.
404
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,102
Oh, you've just got
to find her.
405
00:17:52,103 --> 00:17:53,937
Peg, I'm trying to have
a quiet evening alone
406
00:17:53,938 --> 00:17:55,139
With friends.
407
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,741
Well, at least I have a father.
408
00:17:57,742 --> 00:17:58,742
Oh, yeah,
409
00:17:58,743 --> 00:18:00,577
One who sold secrets
to the enemy
410
00:18:00,578 --> 00:18:02,179
During the war.
411
00:18:02,180 --> 00:18:03,881
That was never proven.
412
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:05,415
Al, please.
413
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:06,984
Oh, but hondo's
coming on.
414
00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:08,418
Well, we'll tape it.
Just hurry.
415
00:18:08,419 --> 00:18:09,553
It's dark out there,
416
00:18:09,554 --> 00:18:11,655
And the triplets
are out there alone.
417
00:18:11,656 --> 00:18:12,990
Oh, all right.
418
00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:14,024
I got to go, guys.
419
00:18:14,025 --> 00:18:15,859
Go on, get back to your romance.
420
00:18:21,199 --> 00:18:24,401
You know why you have
such chicken legs, marcy?
421
00:18:24,402 --> 00:18:26,636
It's because your mother
eats all those eggs.
422
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:31,374
I'm desolate.
423
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:34,078
Aw, don't worry.
Al will find them.
424
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:37,247
I told him to drive around
and think like triplets.
425
00:18:37,248 --> 00:18:38,515
Now, look.
426
00:18:38,516 --> 00:18:40,918
Let's just do something
to take our minds off of this.
427
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:42,352
Irwin, why don't you tell us
428
00:18:42,353 --> 00:18:44,922
About your record
for rooster-throwing?
429
00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:46,924
Indoors or outdoors?
430
00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:50,094
You know, kelly has
some indoor/outdoor records
431
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:52,229
Of her own.
432
00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:55,766
Why, she's so good,
she's about to turn pro.
433
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,768
Bud's so cute,
434
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,236
And to think,
he'll never be bald.
435
00:18:59,237 --> 00:19:00,237
He'll always
have the hair
436
00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:02,139
On the palm
of his hand.
437
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:07,510
Cats and dogs.
Cats and dogs.
438
00:19:07,511 --> 00:19:09,412
What are you
talking about?
439
00:19:09,413 --> 00:19:11,915
Aw, nothing.
I was just hungry.
440
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,287
Peggy, I'm sorry
this didn't turn out
441
00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:19,256
To be such
a good weekend for you.
442
00:19:19,257 --> 00:19:20,624
Oh, it's not so bad.
443
00:19:20,625 --> 00:19:23,460
I mean, after all,
al's out of the house,
444
00:19:23,461 --> 00:19:26,329
Mom finally stopped sweating
from traveling,
445
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:27,831
And dad is--
446
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:29,099
Where is dad?
447
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,002
He wasn't on the list.
448
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:34,004
Neither was
your enormous rump,
449
00:19:34,005 --> 00:19:36,006
But you
brought that.
450
00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:41,611
Come on. Get in.
Get in there.
451
00:19:43,047 --> 00:19:45,749
Oh, al. You found them.
Where were they?
452
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,184
Down by the docks.
453
00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:48,551
It was just luck.
454
00:19:48,552 --> 00:19:50,087
We were all trying
to sign up
455
00:19:50,088 --> 00:19:51,521
For the merchant marine.
456
00:19:51,522 --> 00:19:52,956
Did I miss hondo?
457
00:19:52,957 --> 00:19:55,358
Because that's the only reason
I came home.
458
00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:57,961
It taped!
I get to watch hondo!
459
00:19:57,962 --> 00:20:00,197
What about
my problem?
460
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:03,000
Your lives are meaningless
compared to hondo.
461
00:20:04,402 --> 00:20:05,735
Now, I want silence.
462
00:20:05,736 --> 00:20:08,172
Not a whinny, not a moo,
not a peep.
463
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:11,809
It's hondo time.
464
00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:14,011
Welcome
to john wayne weekend.
465
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,646
We proudly present
his film hon--
466
00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:21,551
I don't know about this.
Al's going to be mad.
467
00:20:21,552 --> 00:20:23,586
Oh, who cares
about him?
468
00:20:23,587 --> 00:20:24,788
This tape
is for peggy.
469
00:20:24,789 --> 00:20:27,157
Besides, we'll be
long gone
470
00:20:27,158 --> 00:20:28,692
Before he sees it.
471
00:20:28,693 --> 00:20:30,093
Now, don't forget
to hide that tape
472
00:20:30,094 --> 00:20:32,162
So that buffoon
doesn't find it.
473
00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,531
That's insulting. What do you
think I'm going to do,
474
00:20:34,532 --> 00:20:35,598
Just leave it
in the machine?
475
00:20:38,736 --> 00:20:45,508
Both: ♪ you are so beautiful
to me ♪
476
00:20:51,582 --> 00:20:53,350
You didn't hide it,
did you?
477
00:20:55,086 --> 00:20:59,990
Oh, al, why don't you do
sweet things like that?
478
00:20:59,991 --> 00:21:02,392
Okay, I'll be the one to say it.
The duke is dead.
479
00:21:02,393 --> 00:21:04,127
Now, let's move on
to the living.
480
00:21:04,128 --> 00:21:05,729
Have you girls
come to your senses yet
481
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:07,130
About this marriage?
482
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:10,734
I'm devastated.
483
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:14,437
This is your fault.
484
00:21:14,438 --> 00:21:15,472
You're the one
485
00:21:15,473 --> 00:21:16,974
That invited her fiance
to the house.
486
00:21:16,975 --> 00:21:18,508
We were gonna roll him.
487
00:21:18,509 --> 00:21:19,977
Look what happened.
488
00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:23,981
And you never even
got his wallet.
489
00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:25,548
Or did you?
490
00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:37,727
That's it! Sit down.
491
00:21:37,728 --> 00:21:41,098
Everybody sit down,
because I'm taking charge now.
492
00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:43,100
Peg, kids, go upstairs,
493
00:21:43,101 --> 00:21:46,203
Because I'm solving
everybody's problems now.
494
00:21:46,204 --> 00:21:49,472
Everybody,
move close together...
495
00:21:49,473 --> 00:21:54,411
And say... "swiss cheese."
496
00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:05,222
Al?
497
00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,223
Honey, you're sweating.
498
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:08,591
And you haven't
answered me yet.
499
00:22:08,592 --> 00:22:11,028
Is it okay if my family
comes for a visit?
500
00:22:11,029 --> 00:22:12,296
[doorbell rings]
501
00:22:12,297 --> 00:22:14,231
Well, it doesn't
really matter what you say.
502
00:22:14,232 --> 00:22:16,133
Besides,
how bad can it be?
503
00:22:19,237 --> 00:22:21,038
We're here!
504
00:22:42,927 --> 00:22:45,028
[♪]